Heart of Darkness: Part III
"They had come together unavoidably, like two ships becalmed near each other, and lay rubbing sides at last. I suppose Kurtz wanted an audience, because on a certain occasion, when encamped in the forest, they had talked all night, or more probably Kurtz had talked. 'We talked of everything,' he said, quite transported at the recollection. 'I forgot there was such a thing as sleep. The night did not seem to last an hour. Everything! Everything! . . . Of love, too.' 'Ah, he talked to you of love!' I said, much amused. 'It isn't what you think,' he cried, almost passionately. 'It was in general. He made me see things - things.'
"He threw his arms up. We were on deck at the time, and the headman of my wood cutters, lounging near by, turned upon him his heavy and glittering eyes. I looked around, and I don't know why, but I assure you that never, never before, did this land, this river, this jungle, the very arch of this blazing sky, appear to me so hopeless and so dark, so impenetrable to human thought, so pitiless to human weakness. 'And, ever since, you have been with him, of course?' I said.
"On the contrary. It appears their intercourse had been very much broken by various causes. He had, as he informed me proudly, managed to nurse Kurtz through two illnesses (he alluded to it as you would to some risky feat), but as a rule Kurtz wandered alone, far in the depths of the forest. 'Very often coming to this station, I had to wait days and days before he would turn up,' he said. 'Ah, it was worth waiting for! - some - times.' 'What was he doing? exploring or what?' I asked. 'Oh, yes, of course', he had discovered lots of villages, a lake, too - he did not know exactly in what direction; it was dangerous to inquire too much - but mostly his expeditions had been for ivory. 'But he had no goods to trade with by that time,' I objected. 'There's a good lot of cartridges left even yet,' he answered, looking away. 'To speak plainly, he raided the country,' I said. He nodded. 'Not alone, surely!' He muttered something about the villages round that lake. 'Kurtz got the tribe to follow him, did he?' I suggested. He fidgeted a little. 'They adored him,' he said. The tone of these words was so extraordinary that I looked at him searchingly. It was curious to see his mingled eagerness and reluctance to speak of Kurtz. The man filled his life, occupied his thoughts, swayed his emotions. 'What can you expect?' he burst out; 'he came to them with thunder and lightning, you know - and they had never seen anything like it - and very terrible. He could be very terrible. You can't judge Mr. Kurtz as you would an ordinary man. No, no, no! Now - just to give you an idea - I don't mind telling you, he wanted to shoot me, too, one day - but I don't judge him.' 'Shoot you!' I cried 'What for?' 'Well, I had a small lot of ivory the chief of that village near my house gave me. You see I used to shoot game for them. Well, he wanted it, and wouldn't hear reason. He declared he would shoot me unless I gave him the ivory and then cleared out of the country, because he could do so, and had a fancy for it, and there was nothing on earth to prevent him killing whom he jolly well pleased. And it was true, too. I gave him the ivory. What did I care! But I didn't clear out. No, no. I couldn't leave him. I had to be careful, of course, till we got friendly again for a time. He had his second illness then. Afterwards I had to keep out of the way; but I didn't mind. He was living for the most part in those villages on the lake. When he came down to the river, sometimes he would take to me, and sometimes it was better for me to be careful. This man suffered too much. He hated all this, and somehow he couldn't get away. When I had a chance I begged him to try and leave while there was time; I offered to go back with him. And he would say yes, and then he would remain; go off on another ivory hunt; disappear for weeks; forget himself amongst these people - forget himself - you know.' 'Why! he's mad,' I said. He protested indignantly. Mr. Kurtz couldn't be mad. If I hald heard him talk, only two days ago, I wouldn't dare hint at such a thing. . . . I had taken up my binoculars while we talked, and was looking at the shore, sweeping the limit of the forest at each side and at the back of the house. The consciousness of there being people in that bush, so silent, so quiet - as silent and quiet as the ruined house on the hill - made me uneasy. There was no sign on the face of nature of this amazing tale that was not so much told as suggested to me in desolate exclamations, completed by shrugs, in interrupted phrases, in hints ending in deep sighs. The woods were unmoved, like a mask - heavy, like the closed door of a prison - they looked with their air of hidden knowledge, of patient expectation, of unapproachable silence. The Russian was explaining to me that it was only lately that Mr. Kurtz had come down to the river, bringing along with him all the fighting men of that lake tribe. He had been absent for several months - getting himself adored, I suppose - and had come down unexpectedly, with the intention to all appearance of making a raid either across the river or down stream. Evidently the appetite for more ivory had got the better of the - what shall I say - less material aspirations. However he had got much worse suddenly. 'I heard he was lying helpless, and so I came up - took my chance,' said the Russian. 'Oh, he is bad, very bad.' I directed my glass to the house. There were no signs of life, but there was the ruined roof, the long mud wall peeping above the grass, with three little square window-holes, no two of the same size; all this brought within reach of my hand, as it were. And then I made a brusque movement, and one of the remaining posts of that vanished fence leaped up in the field of my glass. You remember I told you I had been struck at the distance by certain attempts at ornamentation, rather remarkable in the ruinous aspect of the place. Now I had suddenly a nearer view, and its first result was to make me throw my head back as if before a blow. Then I went carefully from post to post with my glass, and I saw my mistake. These round knobs were not ornamental but symbolic; they were expressive and puzzling, striking and disturbing - food for thought and also for vultures if there had been any looking down from the sky; but at all events for such ants as were industrious enough to ascend the pole. They would have been even more impressive, those heads on the stakes, if their faces had not been turned to the house. Only one, the first I had made out, was facing my way. I was not so shocked as you may think. The start back I had given was really nothing but a movement of surprise. I had expected to see a knob of wood there, you know. I returned deliberately to the first I had seen - and there it was black, dried, sunken, with closed eyelids - a head that seemed to sleep at the top of that pole, and, with the shrunken dry lips showing a narrow white line of the teeth, was smiling too, smiling continuously at some endless and jocose dream of that eternal slumber.
"I am not disclosing any trade secrets . In fact, the Manager said afterwards that Mr. Kurtz's methods had ruined the district. I have no opinion on that point, but I want you clearly to understand that there was nothing exactly profitable in these heads being there. They only showed that Mr. Kurtz lacked restraint in the gratification of his various lusts, that there was something wanting in him - some small matter which when the pressing need arose could not be found under his magnificent eloquence. Whether he knew of this deficiency himself I can't say. I think the knowledge came to him at last - only at the very last. But the wilderness had found him out early, and had taken on him a terrible vengence for the fantastic invasion. I think it had whispered to him things about himself which he did not know, things of which he had no conception till he took counsel with this great solitude - and the whisper had proved irresistibly fascinating. It echoed loudly within him because he was hollow at the core .... I put down the glass, and the head that had appeared near enough to be spoken to seemed at once to have leaped away from me into inaccessible distance.
"The admirer of Mr. Kurtz was a bit crestfallen . In a hurried, indistinct voice he began to assure me he had not dared to take these - say, symbols - down. He was not afraid of the natives;they would not stir till Kurtz gave the word. His ascendancy was extraordinary. The camps of these people surrounded the place and the chiefs came every day to see him. They would crawl.... 'I don't want to know anything of the ceremonies used when approaching Mr. Kurtz,' I shouted. Curious, this feeling that came over me that such details would be more intolerable than those heads drying on the stakes under Mr. Kurtz's windows. After all, that was only a savage sight while I seemed at one bound to have been transported into some lightless region of subtle horrors, where pure, uncomplicated savagery was a positive relief , being something that had a right to exist - obviously - in the sunshine. The young man looked at me with surprise. I suppose it did not occur to him that Mr. Kurtz was no idol of mine. He forgot I hadn't heard any of these splendid monologues on, what was it? on love, justice, conduct of life - or what not. If it had come to crawling before Mr. Kurtz, he crawled as much as the veriest savage of them all. I had no idea of the conditions, he said: these heads were the heads of rebels. I shocked him excessively by laughing. Rebels! What would be the next definition I was to hear. There had been enemies, criminals, workers - and these rebels . Those rebellious heads looked very subdued to me on their sticks. 'You don't know how such a life tries a man like Kurtz,' cried Kurtz's last disciple. 'Well, and you?' I said. ´I! I! I am a simple man. I have no great thoughts. I want nothing from anybody. How can you compare me to . . . ?' His feelings were too much for speech and suddenly he broke down. 'I don't understand,' he groaned. 'I've been doing my best to keep him alive and that's enough. I had no hand in all this. I have no abilities. There hasn't been a drop of medicine or a mouthful of invalid food for months here. He was shamefully abandoned. A man like this, with such ideas. Shamefully! Shamefully! I - I - haven't slept for the last ten nights . . .'
"His voice lost itself in the calm of the evening. The long shadow of the forest had slipped downhill while we talked, had gone far beyond the ruined hovel, beyond the symbolic row of stakes. All this was in the gloom while we down there were yet in the sunshine, and the stretch of the river abreast of the clearing glittered in a still and dazzling splendour with a murky and over-shadowed bend above and below. Not a living soul was seen on the shore. The bushes did not rustle.
"Suddenly round the corner of the house a group of men appeared, as though they had come up from the ground. They waded waist-deep in the grass in a compact body bearing an improvised stretcher in their midst. Instantly in the emptiness of the landscape a cry arose whose shrillness pierced the still air like a sharp arrow flying straight to the very heart of the land. And as if by enchantment streams of human beings - of naked human beings - with spears in their hands, with bows, with shields, with wild glances and savage movements, were poured into the clearing by the dark-faced and pensive forest. The bushes shook, the grass swayed for a time, and then everything stood still in attentive immobility.
" 'Now, if he does not say the right thing to them we are all done for, ,' said the Russian at my elbow. The of knot men with the stretcher had stopped, too, halfway to the steamer, as if petrified. I saw the man on the stretcher sit up, lank
and with an uplifted arm, above the shoulders of the bearers. 'Let us
hope that the man who can talk so well of love in general will find
some particular reason to spare us this time,' I said. I resented bitterly the absurd danger or our situation, , as if to be at the mercy of that atrocious
phantom had been a dishonouring necessity. I could not hear a sound,
but through my glasses I saw the thin arm extended commandingly, the
lower jaw moving, the eyes of that apparition shining darkly far in its
bony head that nodded with grotesque jerks. Kurtz - Kurtz - that means short in German
- don't it? Well, the name was as true as everything else in his life -
and death. He loolked at least seven feet long. His covering had fallen
off, and his body emerged from it pitiful and appalling as from a winding-sheet . I could see the cage of his ribs all astir
, the bones of his arm waving. It was as though an animated image of
death carved out of old ivory had been shaking its hand with menaces at a motionless crowd of men made of dark and glittering bronze. I saw him open his mouth wide - it gave him a weirdly voracious aspect, as though he had wanted to swallow all all the air, all the earth, all the men before him.
. A deep voice reached me faintly. He must have been shouting. He fell
back suddenly. The stretcher shook as the bearers staggered forward
again, and almost at the same time I noticed that the crowd of savages
was vanishing without any perceptible movement of retreat, as if the
forest that had ejected these beings so suddenly had drawn them in
again as the breath is drawn in a long aspiration .
"Some of the pilgrims behind the stretcher carried his arms - two shotguns, a heavy rifle, and a light revolver-carbine - the thunderbolts of that pitiful Jupiter.
. The manager bent over him murmuring as he walked beside his head.
They laid him down in one of the little cabins - just a room for a
bed-place and a camp-stool or two, you know. We had brought his belated
correspondence, and a lot of torn envelopes and open letters littered
his bed. His hand roamed feebly amongst these papers. I was struck by the fire of his eyes
and the composed languor of his expression. It was not so much the
exhaustion of disease. He did not seem in pain. This shadow looked satiated and calm, as though for the moment it had had its fill of all the emotions.
"He
rustled one of the letters, and looking straight in my face said, 'I am
glad.' Somebody had been writing to him about me. These special
recommendations were turning up again. The volume of tone he emitted
without effort, almost without the trouble of moving his lips, amazed
me. A voice! A voice! It was grave, profound, vibrating, while the man did not seem capable of a whisper. However, he had enough strength in him - factitious no doubt - to very nearly make an end of us, as you shall hear directly.
"The
manager appeared silently in the doorway; I stepped out at once and he
drew the curtain after me. The Russian, eyed curiously by the pilgrims,
was staring at the shore. I followed the direction of his glance. "Dark
human shapes could be made out in the distance, flitting
indistinctly against the gloomy border of the forest, and near the
river two bronze figures, leaning on tall spears, stood in the sunlight
under fantastic head-dresses of spotted skins, warlike and still in statuesque repose. And from right to left along the lighted shore moved a wild and gorgeous apparition of a woman. .
"She
walked with measured steps, draped in striped and fringed clothes,
treading the earth proudly, with a slight jingle and flash of barbarous
ornaments. She carried her head high; her hair was done in the shape of
a helmet; she had brass leggings to the knee, brass wire gauntlets to
the elbow, a crimson spot on her wild and gorgeous appiration of a woman, tawny
cheek, innumerable necklaces of glass beads on her neck; bizarre
things, charms, gifts of witch-men, that hung about her, glittered and
trembled at every step. She must have had the value of several elephant tusks upon her. She was savage and superb, wild-eyed and magnificent; there was something ominous
and stately in her deliberate progress. And in the hush that had fallen
suddenly upon the whole sorrowful land, the immense wilderness, the
colossal body of the fecund and mysterious life seemed to look at her, pensive , as though it had been looking at the image of its own tenebrous and passionate soul.
"She came abreast of the steamer, stood still, and faced us. Her long shadow fell to the water's edge. Her face had a tragic and fierce aspect of wild sorrow and of dumb pain mingled with the fear of some struggling, half-shaped resolve. She stood looking at us without a stir, , and like the wilderness itself, with an air of brooding over an inscrutable
purpose. A whole minute passed, and then she made a step forward. There
was a low jingle, a glint of yellow metal, a sway of fringed draperies,
and she stopped as if her heart had failed her. The young fellow by my
side growled. The pilgrims murmured at my back. She looked at us all as
if her life had depended upon the unswerving steadiness of her glance. Suddenly
she opened her bared arms and threw them up rigid abouve her head, as
though in an uncontrollable desire to touch the sky. . A formidable silence hung over the scene.
"She
turned away slowly, walked on, following the bank, and passed into the
bushes to the left. Once only her eyes gleamed back at us in the dusk
of the thickets before she disappeared.
" 'If she had offered
to come aboard I really think I would have tried to shoot her,' said
the man of patches, nervously. 'I have been risking my life every day
for the last fortnight to keep her out of the house. She got in one day
and kicked up a row about those miserable rags I picked up in the
storeroom to mend my clothes with. I wasn't decent. At least it must
have been that, for she talked like a fury to Kurtz for an hour,
pointing at me now and then. I don't understand the dialect of this
tribe. Luckily for me, I fancy Kurtz felt too ill that day to care, or
there would have been mischief. I don't understand.... No - it's too
much for me. Ah, well, it's all over now.'
"At this moment I
heard Kurtz's deep voice behind the curtain: 'Save me! - save the
ivory, you mean. Don't tell me. Save me! Why, I've had to save you. You
are interrupting my plans now. Sick! Sick! Not so sick as you would
like to believe. Never mind. I'll carry my ideas out yet - I will
return. I'll show you what can be done. You with your little peddling
notions - you are interfering with me. I will return. I....'
"The
manager came out. He did me the honour to take me under the arm and
lead me aside. 'He is very low, very low,' he said. He considered it
necessary to sigh, but neglected to be consistently sorrowful. 'We have
done all we could for him - haven't we? But there is no disguising the
fact, Mr. Kurtz has done more harm than good to the Company. He did not
see the time was not ripe for vigorous action. Cautiously, cautiously -
that's my principle. We must be cautious yet. The district is closed to
us for a time. Deplorable! Upon the whole, the trade will suffer. I
don't deny there is a remarkable quantity of ivory - mostly fossil. We
must save it, at all events - but look how precarious the position is -
and why? Because the method is unsound.' 'Do you,' said I, looking at
the shore, 'call it "unsound method?" ' 'Without doubt,' he exclaimed
hotly. 'Don't you?' . . . 'No method at all,' I murmured after a while.
'Exactly,' he exulted. 'I anticipated this. Shows a complete want of
judgment. It is my duty to point it out in the proper quarter.' 'Oh,'
said I, 'that fellow - what's his name? - the brickmaker, will make a
readable report for you.' He appeared confounded for a moment. It
seemed to me I had never breathed an atmosphere so vile, and I turned
mentally to Kurtz for relief - positively for relief. 'Nevertheless I
think Mr. Kurtz is a remarkable man,' I said with emphasis. He started,
dropped on me a cold heavy glance, said very quietly, 'he was~ and
turned his back on me. My hour of favour was over; I found myself
lumped along with Kurtz as a partisan of methods for which the time was
not ripe: I was unsound! Ah! but it was something to have at least a
choice of nightmares.
"I had turned to the wilderness really,
not to Mr. Kurtz, who, I was ready to admit, was as good as buried. And
for a moment it seemed to me as if I also were buried in a vast grave
full of unspeakable secrets. I felt an intolerable weight oppressing my
breast, the smell of the damp earth, the unseen presence of victorious
corruption, the darkness of an impenetrable night.... The Russian
tapped me on the shoulder. I heard him mumbling and stammering
something about 'brother seaman - couldn't conceal - knowledge of
matters that would affect Mr. Kurtz's reputation.' I waited. For him
evidently Mr. Kurtz was not in his grave; I suspect that for him Mr.
Kuutz was one of the immortals. 'Well!' said I at last, 'speak out. As
it happens, I am Mr. Kurtz's friend - in a way.'
"He stated
with a good deal of formality that had we not been 'of the same
profession,' he would have kept the matter to himself without regard to
consequences. 'He suspected there was an active ill will towards him on
the part of these white men that -' 'You are right,' I said,
remembering a certain conversation I had overheard. 'The manager thinks
you ought to be hanged.' He showed a concern at this intelligence which
amused me at first. 'I had better get out of the way quietly,' he said
earnestly. 'I can do no more for Kurtz now, and they would soon find
some excuse. What's to stop them? There's a military post three hundred
miles from here.' 'Well, upon my word,' said I, 'perhaps you had better
go if you have any friends amongst the savages near by.' 'Plenty,' he
said. 'They are simple people - and I want nothing, you know.' He
stood biting his lip, then: ´I didn´t want any harm to happen to these
whites here, but of course I was thinking of Mr. Kurtz´s reputation -
but you are a brother seaman and -´ ´All right,´ said I, after a time.
´Mr. Kurtz's reputation is safe with me.´ I did not know how truly I
spoke.
"He informed me, lowering his voice, that it was
Kurtz who had ordered the attack to be made on the steamer. 'He hated
sometimes the idea of being taken away - and then again.... But I don't
understand these matters. I am a simple man. He thought it would scare
you away - that you would give it up, thinking him dead. I could not
stop him. Oh, I had an awful time of it this last month.' 'Very well,'
I said. 'He is all right now.' 'Ye-e-es,' he muttered, not very
convinced apparently. 'Thanks,' said I; 'I shall keep my eyes open.'
'But quiet - eh?' he urged anxiously. 'It would be awful for his
reputation if anybody here -' I promised a complete discretion with
great gravity. 'I have a canoe and three black fellows waiting not very
far. I am off. Could you give me a few Martini-Henry cartridges?' I
could, and did, with proper secrecy. He helped himself, with a wink at
me, to a handful of my tobacco. 'Between sailors - you know - good
English tobacco.' At the door of the pilot-house he turned round - 'I
say, haven't you a pair of shoes you could spare?' He raised one leg.
'Look' The soles were tied with knotted strings sandal-wise under his
bare feet. I rooted out an old pair, at which he looked with admiration
before tucking it under his left arm. One of his pockets (bright red)
was bulging with cartridges, from the other (dark blue) peeped
'Towson's Inquiry,' ctc., etc. He seemed to think himself excellently
well equipped for a renewed encounter with the wilderness. 'Ah! I'll
never, never meet such a man again. You ought to have heard him recite
poetry - his own, too, it was, he told me. Poetry!' He rolled his eyes
at the recollection of these delights. 'Oh, he enlarged my mind!'
'Good- bye,' said I. He shook hands and vanished in the night.
Sometimes I ask myself whether I had ever really seen him - whether it
was possible to meet such a phenomenon! . . .
"When I woke up
shortly after midnight his warning came to my mind with its hint of
danger that seemed, in the starred darkness, real enough to make me get
up for the purpose of having a look round. On the hill a big fire
burned, illuminating fitfully a crooked corner of the station-house.
One of the agents with a picket of a few of our blacks, armed for the
purpose, was keeping guard over the ivory; but deep within the forest,
red gleams that wavered, that seemed to sink and rise from the ground
amongst confused columnar shapes of intense blackness, showed the exact
position of the camp where Mr. Kurtz's adorers were keeping their
uneasy vigil. The monotonous beating of a big drum filled the air with
muffled shocks and a lingering vibration. A steady droning sound of
many men chanting each to himself some weird incantation came out from
the black, flat wall of the woods as the humming of bees comes out of a
hive, and had a strange narcotic effect upon my half-awake senses. I
believe I dozed off leaning over the rail, till an abrupt burst of
yells, an overwhelming outbreak of a pent-up and mysterious frenzy,
woke me up in a bewildered wonder. It was cut short all at once, and
the low droning went on with an effect of audible and soothing silence.
I glanced casually into the little cabin. A light was burning within,
but Mr. Kurtz was not there.
"I think I would have raised an
outcry if I had believed my eyes. But I didn't believe them at first -
the thing seemed so impossible. The fact is I was completely unnerved
by a sheer blank fright, pure abstract terror, unconnected with any
distinct shape of physical danger. What made this emotion so
overpowering was - how shall I define it? - the moral shock I received,
as if something altogether monstrous, intolerable to thought and odious
to the soul, had been thrust upon me unexpectedly. This lasted of
course the merest fraction of a second, and then the usual sense of
commonplace, deadly danger, the possibility of a sudden onslaught and
massacre, or something of the kind, which I saw impending, was
positively welcome and composing. It pacified me, in fact, so much that
I did not raise an alarm.
"There was an agent buttoned up inside
an ulster and sleeping on a chair on deck within three feet of me. The
yells had not awakened him; he snored very slightly; I left him to his
slumbers and leaped ashore. I did not betray Mr. Kurtz - it was ordered
I should never betray him - it was written I should be loyal to the
nightmare of my choice. I was anxious to deal with this shadow by
myself alone - and to this day I don't know why I was so jealous of
sharing with any one the peculiar blackness of that experience.
"As
soon as I got on the bank I saw a trail - a broad trail through the
grass. I remember the exultation with which I said to myself, 'He can't
walk - he is crawling on all-fours - I've got him.' The grass was wet
with dew. I strode rapidly with clenched fists. I fancy I had some
vague notion of falling upon him and giving him a drubbing. I don't
know. I had some imbecile thoughts. The knitting old woman with the cat
obtruded herself upon my memory as a most improper person to be sitting
at the other end of such an affair. I saw a row of pilgrims squirting
lead in the air out of Winchesters held to the hip. I thought I would
never get back to the steamer, and imagined myself living alone and
unarmed in the woods to an advanced age. Such silly things - you know.
And I remember I confounded the beat of the drum with the beating of my
heart, and was pleased at its calm regularity.
"I kept to
the track though - then stopped to listen. The night was very clear; a
dark blue space, sparkling with dew and starlight, in which black
things stood very still. I thought I could see a kind of motion ahead
of me. I was strangely cocksure
of everything that night. I actually left the track and ran in a wide
semicircle (I verily believe chuckling to myself) so as to get in front
of that stir, of that motion I had seen - if indeed I had seen
anything. I was circumventing Kurtz as though it had been a boyish game.
"I came upon him
, and, if he had not heard me coming, I would have fallen over him,
too, but he got up in time. He rose, unsteady, long, pale, indistinct,
like a vapour exhaled by the earth, and swayed slightly, misty and
silent before me; while at my back the fires loomed between the trees,
and the murmur of many voices issued from the forest. I had cut him off
cleverly; but when actually confronting him I seemed to come to my
senses, I saw the danger in its right proportion. It was by no means
over yet. Suppose he began to shout? Though he could hardly stand,
there was still plenty of vigour in his voice. 'Go away - hide
yourself,' he said, in that profound tone. It was very awful. I glanced
back. We were within thirty yards from the nearest fire. A black figure
stood up, strode on long black legs, waving long black arms, across the
glow. It had horns - antelope horns, I think - on its head. Some sorcerer, some witch-man, no doubt: it looked fiendlike
enough. 'Do you know what you are doing?' I whispered. 'Perfectly,' he
answered, raising his voice for that single word: it sounded to me far
off and yet loud, like a hail through a speaking- trumpet. 'If he makes
a row
we are lost,' I thought to myself. This clearly was not a case for
fisticuffs, even apart from the very natural aversion I had to beat
that Shadow - this wandering and tormented thing
. 'You will be lost,' I said - 'utterly lost.' One gets sometimes such
a flash of inspiration, you know. I did say the right thing, though
indeed he could not have been more irretrievably lost than he was at
this very moment, when the foundations of our intimacy were being laid
- to endure - to endure - even to the end - even beyond.
" 'I had immense plans ,' he muttered irresolutely
. 'Yes,' said I; 'but if you try to shout I'll smash your head with -'
There was not a stick or a stone near. 'I will throttle you for good,'
I corrected myself. 'I was on the threshold of great things,' he
pleaded, in a voice of longing, with a wistfulness of tone that made my
blood run cold. 'And now for this stupid scoundrel -' 'Your success in
Europe is assured in any case,' I affirmed steadily, I did not want to
have the throttling of him, you understand - and indeed it would have
been very little use for any practical purpose. I tried to break the
spell - the heavy, mute spell of the wilderness - that seemed to draw
him to its pitiless breast by the awakening of forgotten and brutal instincts
, by the memory of gratified and monstrous passions. This alone, I was
convinced, had driven him out to the edge of the forest, to the bush,
towards the gleam of fires, the throb of drums, the drone of weird incantations
; this alone had beguiled his unlawful soul beyond the bounds of
permitted aspirations. And, don't you see, the terror of the position
was not in being knocked on the head - though I had a very lively sense
of that danger, too - but in this, that I had to deal with a being to
whom I could not appeal in the name of anything high or low . I had, even like the niggers
, to invoke him - himself - his own exalted and incredible degradation.
There was nothing either above or below him, and I knew it. He had
kicked himself loose of the earth. Confound the man! he had kicked the
very earth to pieces. He was alone, and I before him did not know
whether I stood on the ground or floated in the air. I've been telling
you what we said - repeating the phrases we pronounced - but what's the
good? They were common everyday words - the familiar, vague sounds
exchanged on every waking day of life. But what of that? They had
behind them, to my mind, the terrific suggestiveness of words heard in
dreams, of phrases spoken in nightmares. Soul! If anybody ever
struggled with a soul, I am the man. And I wasn't arguing with a
lunatic either. Believe me or not, his intelligence was perfectly clear
concentrated, it is true, upon himself with horrible intensity, yet
clear; and therein was my only chance - barring, of course, the killing
him there and then, which wasn't so good, on account of unavoidable
noise. But his soul was mad. Being alone in the wilderness, it had
looked within itself, and, by heavens! I tell you, it had gone mad. I
had - for my sins, I suppose - to go through the ordeal of looking into
it myself. No eloquence could have been so withering to one's belief in
mankind as his final burst of sincerity. He struggled with himself,
too. I saw it - I heard it. I saw the inconceivable mystery of a soul
that knew no restraint, no faith, and no fear, yet struggling blindly
with itself. I kept my head pretty well; but when I had him at last stretched on the couch , I wiped my forehead, while my legs shook under me as though I had carried half a ton on my back down that hill . And yet I had only supported him, his bony arm clasped round my neck - and he was not much heavier than a child.
"When
next day we left at noon, the crowd, of whose presence behind the
curtain of trees I had been acutely conscious all the time, flowed out
of the woods again, filled the clearing, covered the slope with a mass
of naked, breathing, quivering, bronze bodies. I steamed up a bit, then
swung down stream, and two thousand eyes followed the evolutions of the
splashing, thumping, fierce river-demon beating the water with its
terrible tail and breathing black smoke into the air. In front of the
first rank, along the river, three men, plastered with bright red earth
from head to foot, strutted to and fro restlessly. When we came abreast
again, they faced the river, stamped their feet, nodded their horned
heads, swayed their scarlet bodies; they shook towards the fierce
river-demon a bunch of black feathers, a mangy skin with a pendent tail
- something that looked like a dried gourd; they shouted periodically
together strings of amazing words that resembled no sounds of human
language; and the deep murmurs of the crowd, interrupted suddenly, were
like the responses of some satanic litany.
"We had carried
Kurtz into the pilot-house: there was more air there. Lying on the
couch, he stared through the open shutter. There was an eddy in the
mass of human bodies, and the woman with helmeted head and tawny cheeks
rushed out to the very brink of the stream. She put out her hands,
shouted something, and all that wild mob took up the shout in a roaring
chorus of articulated, rapid, breathless utterance.
" 'Do you understand this?' I asked.
"He
kept on looking out past me with fiery, longing eyes, with a mingled
expression of wistfulness and hate. He made no answer, but I saw a
smile, a smile of indefinable meaning, appearing on his colourless lips
that a moment after twitched convulsively. 'Do I not?' he said slowly,
gasping, as if the words had been torn out of him by a supernatural
power.
"I pulled the string of the whistle, and I did this
because I saw the pilgrims on deck getting out their rifles with an air
of anticipating a jolly lark. At the sudden screech there was a
movement of abject terror through that wedged mass of bodies. 'Don't!
don't you frighten them away,' cried some one on deck disconsolately. I
pulled the string time after time. They broke and ran, they leaped,
they crouched, they swerved, they dodged the flying terror of the
sound. The three red chaps had fallen flat, face down on the shore, as
though they had been shot dead. Only the barbarous and superb woman did
not so much as flinch, and stretched tragically her bare arms after us
over the sombre and glittering river. "And then that imbecile crowd
down on the deck started their little fun, and I could see nothing more
for smoke.
"The brown current ran swiftly out of the heart of
darkness, bearing us down towards the sea with twice the speed of our
upward progress; and Kurtz's life was running swiftly, too, ebbing,
ebbing out of his heart into the sea of inexorable time. The manager
was very placid, he had no vital anxieties now, he took us both in with
a comprehensive and satisfied glance: the 'affair' had come off as well
as could be wished. I saw the time approaching when I would be left
alone of the party of 'unsound method.' The pilgrims looked upon me
with disfavour. I was, so to speak, numbered with the dead. It is
strange how I accepted this unforeseen partnership, this choice of
nightmares forced upon me in the tenebrous land invaded by these mean
and greedy phantoms.
"Kurtz discoursed. A voice! a voice! It
rang deep to the very last. It survived his strength to hide in the
magnificent folds of eloquence the barren darkness of his heart. Oh, he
struggled! he struggled! The wastes of his weary brain were haunted by
shadowy images now - images of wealth and fame revolving obsequiously
round his unextinguishable gift of noble and lofty expression. My
Intended, my station, my career, my ideas - these were the subjects for
the occasional utterances of elevated sentiments. The shade of the
original Kurtz frequented the bedside of the hollow sham, whose fate it
was to be buried presently in the mould of primeval earth. But both the
diabolic love and the unearthly hate of the mysteries it had penetrated
fought for the possession of that soul satiated with primitive
emotions, avid of lying fame, of sham distinction, of all the
appearances of success and power.
"Sometimes he was
contemptibly childish. He desired to have kings meet him at railway
stations on his return from some ghastly Nowhere, where he intended to
accomplish great things. 'You show them you have in you something that
is really profitable, and then there will be no limits to the
recognition of your ability,' he would say. 'Of course you must take
care of the motives - right motives - always.' The long reaches that
were like one and the same reach, monotonous bends that were exactly
alike, slipped past the steamer with their multitude of secular trees
looking patiently after this grimy fragment of another world, the
forerunner of change, of conquest, of trade, of massacres, of
blessings. I looked ahead - piloting. 'Close the shutter,' said Kurtz
suddenly one day; 'I can't bear to look at this.' I did so. There was a
silence. 'Oh, but I will wring your heart yet!' he cried at the
invisible wilderness.
"We broke down - as I had expected - and had to lie up for repairs at the head of an island. This delay was the first thing that shook Kurtz's confidence.
One morning he gave me a packet of papers and a photograph - the lot
tied together with a shoe-string. 'Keep this for me,' he said. 'This
noxious fool' (meaning the manager) 'is capable of prying into my boxes
when I am not looking.' In the afternoon I saw him. He was lying on his
back with closed eyes, and I withdrew quietly, but I heard him mutter,
'Live rightly , die, die.
. .' I listened. There was nothing more. Was he rehearsing some speech
in his sleep, or was it a fragment of a phrase from some newspaper
article? He had been writing for the papers and meant to do so again,
'for the furthering of my ideas. It's a duty.'
"His was an impenetrable darkness. I looked at him as you peer down at a man who is lying at the bottom of a precipice
where the sun never shines. But I had not much time to give him because
I was helping the engine-driver to take to pieces the leaky cylinders,
to straighten a bent connecting-rod, and in other such matters. I lived
in an infernal mess of rust, filings, nuts, bolts, spanners, hammers,
ratchet-drills-
things I abominate because I don't get on with them. I tended the
little forge we fortunately had aboard; I toiled wearily in a wretched
scrap-heap - unless I had the shakes too bad to stand.
"One evening coming in with a candle I was startled to hear him say a little tremulously,
'I am lying here in the dark waiting for death.' The light was within a
foot of his eyes. I forced myself to murmur, 'Oh, nonsense!' and stood
over him as if transfixed.
"Anything approaching the change that came over his features I have never seen before and hope never to see again. Oh, I wasn't touched. I was fascinated.
It was as though a veil had been rent. I saw on that ivory face the
expression of sombre pride, of ruthless power, of craven terror - of an
intense and hopeless despair. Did he live his life again in every
detail of desire, temptation, and surrender during that supreme moment
of complete knowledge? He cried in a whisper at some image, at some
vision - he cried out twice, a cry that was no more than a breath:
" 'The horror! The horror!'
"I
blew the candle out and left the cabin. The pilgrims were dining in the
mess-room and I took my place opposite the Manager, who lifted his eyes
to give me a questioning glance which I successfully ignored. He leaned
back, serene, with that peculiar smile of his sealing the unexpressed
depths of his meanness. A continuous shower of small flies streamed
upon the lamp, upon the cloth, upon our hands and faces. Suddenly the
Manager's boy put his insolent black head in the doorway and said in a
tone of scathing contempt:
" 'Mistah Kurtz - he dead.'
"All
the pilgrims rushed out to see. I remained and went on with my dinner.
I believe that I was considered brutally callous. However, I did not
eat much. There was a lamp in there - light-don't you know - and
outside it was so beastly, beastly dark. I went no more near the
remarkable man who had pronounced a judgment upon the adventures of his
soul on this earth. The voice was gone. What else had been there? But I
am of course aware that next day the pilgrims buried something in a muddy hole.
"And then they very nearly buried me.
"However,
as you see, I did not go to join Kurtz there and then. I did not. I
remained to dream the nightmare out to the end, and to show my loyalty
to Kurtz once more. Destiny. My destiny! Droll thing life is - that mysterious arrangement of merciless logic for a futile
purpose. The most you can hope from it is some knowledge of yourself -
that comes too late - a crop of unextinguishable regrets. I have
wrestled with death. It is the most unexciting contest you can imagine.
It takes place in an impalpable
greyness with nothing underfoot, with nothing around, without
spectators, without clamour, without glory, without the great desire of
victory, without the great fear of defeat, in a sickly atmosphere of
tepid scepticism, without much belief in your own right, and still less
in that of your adversary. If such is the form of ultimate wisdom then
life is a greater riddle than some of us think it to be. I was within a
hair's-breadth of the last opportunity for pronouncement, and I found
with humiliation that probably I would have nothing to say. This is the
reason why I affirm that Kurtz was a remarkable man. He had something
to say. He said it. Since I had peeped over the edge myself, I
understand better the meaning of his stare that could not see the flame
of the candle but was wide enough to embrace the whole universe,
piercing enough to penetrate all the hearts that beat in the darkness.
He had summed up - he had judged. 'The horror!' He was a remarkable
man. After all, this was the expression of some sort of belief; it had
candor, it had conviction, it had a vibrating note of revolt in its
whisper, it had the appalling face of a glimpsed truth - the strange
commingling of desire and hate. And it is not my own extremity I remember best - a vision of greyness without form filled with physical pain and a careless contempt for the evanescence
of all things - even of this pain itself. No. It is his extremity that
I seem to have lived through. True, he had made that last stride, he
had stepped over the edge, while I had been permitted to draw back my
hesitating foot. And perhaps in this is the whole difference; perhaps
all the wisdom, and all truth, and all sincerity, are just compressed
into that inappreciable moment of time in which we step over the
threshold of the invisible. Perhaps. I like to think my summing-up
would not have been a word of careless contempt. Better his cry - much better. It was an affirmation, a moral victory paid for by innumerable defeats, by abominable
terrors, by abominable satisfactions. But it was a victory! That is why
I have remained loyal to Kurtz to the last, and even beyond, when a
long time after I heard once more, not his own voice, but the echo of
his magnificent eloquence thrown to me from a soul as translucently pure as a cliff of crystal.
"No, they did not bury me, though there is a period of time which I remember mistily,
with a shuddering wonder, like a passage through some inconceivable
world that had no hope in it and no desire. I found myself back in the sepulchral city resenting the sight of people hurrying through the streets to filch
a little money from each other, to devour their infamous cookery, to
gulp their unwholesome beer, to dream their insignificant and silly
dreams. They trespassed upon my thoughts. They were intruders whose
knowledge of life was to me an irritating pretence, because I felt so
sure they could not possibly know the things I knew.
Their bearing, which was simply the bearing of commonplace individuals
going about their business in the assurance of perfect safety, was
offensive to me like the outrageous flauntings of folly in the face of
a danger it is unable to comprehend. I had no particular desire to
enlighten them, but I had some difficulty in restraining myself from
laughing in their faces so full of stupid importance. I daresay I was
not very well at that time. I tottered
about the streets - there were various affairs to settle - grinning
bitterly at perfectly respectable persons. I admit my behaviour was
inexcusable, but then my temperature was seldom normal in these days. My dear aunt's endeavours
to 'nurse up my strength' seemed altogether beside the mark. It was not
my strength that wanted nursing, it was my imagination that wanted
soothing. I kept the bundle of papers given me by Kurtz, not knowing
exactly what to do with it. His mother had died lately, watched over,
as I was told, by his Intended.
A clean- shaved man, with an official manner and wearing gold-rimmed
spectacles, called on me one day and made inquiries, at first circuitous, afterwards suavely pressing, about what he was pleased to denominate certain 'documents.' I was not surprised, because I had had two rows with the Manager
on the subject out there. I had refused to give up the smallest scrap
out of that package, and I took the same attitude with the spectacled
man. He became darkly menacing
at last, and with much heat argued that the Company had the right to
every bit of information about its 'territories.' And, said he, 'Mr.
Kurtz's knowledge of unexplored regions must have been necessarily
extensive and peculiar - owing to his great abilities and to the
deplorable circumstances in which he had been placed; therefore -' I
assured him Mr. Kurtz's knowledge, however extensive, did not bear upon
the problems of commerce or administration. He invoked then the name of
science. 'It would be an incalculable loss if,' etc., etc. I offered
him the report on the 'Suppression of Savage Customs,'
with the postscriptum torn off. He took it up eagerly, but ended by
sniffing at it with an air of contempt. 'This is not what we had a
right to expect,' he remarked. 'Expect nothing else,' I said. 'There
are only private letters.' He withdrew upon some threat of legal
proceedings, and I saw him no more, but another fellow, calling himself
Kurtz's cousin,
appeared two days later, and was anxious to hear all the details about
his dear relative's last moments. Incidentally he gave me to understand
that Kurtz had been essentially a great musician. 'There was the making
of an immense success,' said the man, who was an organist, I believe,
with lank grey hair flowing over a greasy coat-collar. I had no reason
to doubt his statement, and to this day I am unable to say what was Kurtz's profession,
whether he ever had any - which was the greatest of his talents. I had
taken him for a painter who wrote for the papers, or else for a
journalist who could paint - but even the cousin (who took snuff during
the interview) could not tell me what he had been - exactly. He was a universal genius
- on that point I agreed with the old chap, who thereupon blew his nose
noisily into a large cotton handkerchief and withdrew in senile
agitation, bear ing off some family letters and memoranda without
importance. Ultimately a journalist anxious to know something of the
fate of his 'dear colleague' turned up. This visitor
informed me Kurtz's proper sphere ought to have been politics 'on the
popular side.' He had furry straight eyebrows, bristly hair cropped
short, an eyeglass on a broad ribbon, and, becoming expansive,
confessed his opinion that Kurtz really couldn't write a bit - 'but
Heavens! how that man could talk. He electrified large meetings. He had
faith - don't you see? - he had the faith. He could get himself to believe anything - anything.
He would have been a splendid leader of an extreme party.' 'What
party?' I asked. 'Any party,' answered the other. 'He was an - an -
extremist.' Did I not think so? I assented. Did I know, he asked, with
a sudden flash of curiosity, 'what it was that had induced him to go
out there?' 'Yes,' said I, and forthwith handed him the famous Report
for publication, if he thought fit. He glanced through it hurriedly,
mumbling all the time, judged 'it would do,' and took himself off with
this plunder.
"Thus
I was left at last with a slim packet of letters and the girl's
portrait. She struck me as beautiful - I mean she had a beautiful
expression. I know that the sunlight can be made to lie, too, yet one felt that no manipulation of light and pose could have conveyed the delicate shade of truthfulness upon those features.
She seemed ready to listen without mental reservation, without
suspicion, without a thought for herself. I conclucled I would go and
give her back her portrait and those letters myself. Curiosity? Yes;
and also some other feeling perhaps. All that had been Kurtz's had
passed out of my hands: his soul, his body, his station, his plans, his
ivory, his career. There remained only his memory and his Intended -
and I wanted to give that up, too, to the past, in a way - to surrender
personally all that remained of him with me to that oblivion which is
the last word of our common fate. I don't defend myself. I had no clear
perception of what it was I really wanted. Perhaps it was an impulse of
unconscious loyalty, or the fulfillment of one of those ironic
necessities that lurk in the facts of human existence. I don't know. I
can't tell. But I went.
"I thought his memory was like the other
memories of the dead that accumulate in every man's life - a vague
impress on the brain of shadows that had fallen on it in their swift
and final passage; but before the high and ponderous door, between the
tall houses of a street as still and decorous as a well-kept alley in a cemetery, I had a vision of him on the stretcher, opening his mouth voraciously, as if to devour all the earth with all its mankind. He lived then before me; he lived as much as he had ever lived - a shadow insatiable
of splendid appearances, of frightful realities; a shadow darker than
the shadow of the night, and draped nobly in the folds of a gorgeous
eloquence. The vision seemed to enter the house with me - the
stretcher, the phantom-bearers, the wild crowd of obedient worshippers,
the gloom of the forests, the glitter of the reach between the murky
bends, the beat of thle drum, regular and muffled like the beating of a
heart - the heart of a conquering darkness. It was a moment of triumph
for the wilderness, an invading and vengeful rush which, it seemed to
me, I would have to keep back alone for the salvation of another soul.
And the memory of what I had heard him say afar there, with the horned
shapes stirring at my back, in the glow of fires, within the patient
woods, those broken phrases came back to me, were heard again in their
ominous and terrifying simplicity
I remembered his abject pleading, his abject threats, the colossal
scale of his vile desires, the meanness, the torment, the tempestuous
anguish of his soul. And later on I seemed to see his collected languid
manner, when he said one day, 'This lot of ivory now is really mine.
The Company did not pay for it. I collected it myself at a very great
personal risk. I am afraid they will try to claim it as theirs though.
H'm. It is a difficult case. What do you think I ought to do - resist?
Eh? I want no more than justice.' . . . He wanted no more than justice
- no more than justice. I rang the bell before a mahogany door on the
first floor, and while I waited he seemed to stare at me out of the
glassy panel - stare with that wide and immense stare embracing,
condemning, loathing all the universe. I seemed to hear the whispered
cry, ´The horror! The horror!´
"The
dusk was falling. I had to wait in a lofty drawingroom with three long
windows from floor to ceiling that were like three luminous and
bedraped columns. The bent gilt legs and backs of the furniture shone
in indistinct curves. The tall marble fireplace had a cold and
monumental whiteness. A grand piano stood massively in a corner; with
dark gleams on the flat surfaces like a sombre and polished sarcophagus. A high door opened closed I rose.
"She came forward, all in black, with a pale
head, floating towards me in the dusk. She was in mourning. It was more
than a year since his death, more than a year since the news came; she
seemed as though she would remember and mourn forever. She took both my
hands in hers and murmured, 'I had heard you were coming.' I noticed
she was not very young - I mean not girlish. She had a mature capacity
for fidelity, for belief, for suffering. The room seemed to have grown
darker, as if all the sad light of the cloudy evening had taken refuge
on her forehead. This fair hair, this pale visage, this pure brow , seemed surrounded by an ashy halo from which the dark eyes looked out at me. Their glance was guileless,
profound, confident, and trustful. She carried her sorrowful head as
though she were proud of that sorrow, as though she would say, 'I - I
alone know how to mourn for him as he deserves.' But while we were
still shaking hands, such a look of awful desolation came upon her face
that I perceived she was one of those creatures that are not the
playthings of Time . For her he had died only yesterday. And, by Jove! the impression was so powerful that for me, too, he seemed to have died only yesterday - nay, this very minute.
Do
you understand? I saw them together - I heard them together. She had
said, with a deep catch of the breath, 'I have survived' while my
strained ears seemed to hear distinctly, mingled with her tone of
despairing regret, the summing up whisper of his eternal condemnation.
I asked myself what I was doing there, with a sensation of panic in my
heart as though I had blundered into a place of cruel and absurd
mysteries not fit for a human being to behold. She motioned me to a
chair. We sat down. I laid the packet
gently on the little table, and she put her hand over it.... 'You knew
him well,' she murmured, after a moment of mourning silence.
´Intimacy grows quickly out there,´ I said. ´I knew him as well as it is possible for one man to know another.´
" 'And you admired him,' she said. 'It was impossible to know him and not to admire him. Was it?'
"
'He was a remarkable man,' I said, unsteadily. Then before the
appealing fixity of her gaze, that seemed to watch for more words on my
lips, I went on, 'It was impossible not to. . .'
" 'Love him,'
she finished eagerly, silencing me into an appalled dumbness. 'How
true! how truel But when you think that no one knew him so well as I! I
had all his noble confidence. I knew him best.'
" 'You knew
him best,' I repeated. And perhaps she did. But with every word spoken
the room was growing darker, and only her forehead, smooth and white,
remained illumined by the unextinguishable light of belief and love.
"
'You were his friend,' she went on. 'His friend,' she repeated, a
little louder. 'You must have been, if he had given you this, and sent
you to me. I feel I can speak to you - and oh! I must speak. I want you
- you who have heard his last words - to know I have been worthy of
him.... It is not pride.... Yes! I am proud to know I understood him
better than any one on earth - he told me so himself. And since his
mother died I have had no one - no one - to - to -'
"I
listened. The darkness deepened. I was not even sure whether he had
given me the right bundle. I rather suspect he wanted me to take care
of another batch of his papers which, after his death, I saw the
manager examining under the lamp. And the girl talked, easing her pain
in the certitude of my sympathy; she talked as thirsty men drink. I had
heard that her engagement with Kurtz had been disapproved by her
people. He wasn't rich enough or something. And indeed I don't know
whether he had not been a pauper all his life. He had given me some
reason to infer that it was his impatience of comparative poverty that
drove him out there.
" '. . . Who was not his friend who had
heard him speak once?' she was saying. 'He drew men towards him by what
was best in them.' She looked at me with intensity. 'It is the gift of
the great,' she went on, and the sound of her low voice seemed to have
the accompaniment of all the other sounds, full of mystery, desolation,
and sorrow, I had ever heard - the ripple of the river, the soughing
of the trees swayed by the wind, the murmurs of the crowds, the faint
ring of incomprehensible words cried from afar, the whisper of a voice
speaking from beyond the threshold of an eternal darkness. 'But you
have heard him! You know!' she cried.
" Yes,
I know,' I said with something like despair in my heart, but bowing my
head before the faith that was in her, before that great and saving
illusion that shone with an unearthly glow in the darkness, in the
triumphant darkness from which I could not have defended her - from
which I could not even defend myself.
" 'What a loss to me
- to us!' - she corrected herself with beautiful generosity; then added
in a murmur, 'To the world.' By the last gleams of twilight I could see
the glitter of her eyes, full of tears - of tears that would not fall.
"
'I have been very happy - very fortunate - very proud,' she went on.
'Too fortunate. Too happy for a little while. And now I am unhappy for
- for life.'
"She stood up; her fair hair seemed to catch all the remaining light in a glimmer of gold. I rose, too.
"
'And of all this,' she went on mournfully, 'of all his promise, and of
all his greatness, of his generous mind, of his noble heart, nothing
remains - nothing but a memory. You and I -'
" 'We shall always remember him,' I said hastily.
" "No!"
she cried. "It is impossible that all this should be lost - that such a
life should be sacrificed to leave nothing - but sorrow. You know what
vast plans he had. I knew of them, too - I could not perhaps understand
- but others knew of them. Something must remain. His words, at least,
have not died."
" His words will remain.
" I said. I saw her and him in the same instant of time - his death and
her sorrow - I saw her sorrow in the very moment of his death.
" 'And his example,' she whispered to herself. ´Men looked up to him - his goodness shone in every act. His example -'
" 'True,' I said; 'his example, too. Yes, his example. I forgot that.'
"
'But I do not. I cannot - I cannot believe - not yet. I cannot believe
that I shall never see him again, that nobody will see him again,
never, never, never!'
"She put out her arms as if after a
retreating figure, stretching them back and with clasped pale hands
across the fading and narrow sheen of the window. Never see him! I saw
him clearly enough then. I shall see this eloquent phantom as long as I
live, and I shall see her, too, a tragic and familiar Shade, resembling
in this gesture another one, tragic also, and bedecked with powerless
charms, stretching bare brown arms over the glitter cf the infernal
stream, the stream of darkness. She said suddenly very low, 'He died as
he lived.'
" 'His end,' said I, with dull anger stirring in me, 'was in every way worthy of his life.'
" 'And I was not with him,' she murmured. My anger subsided before a feeling of infinite pity.
" 'Everything that could be done . . .' I mumbled.
"
'Ah, but I believed in him more than any one on earth - more than his
own mother, more than - himself. He needed me! Me! I would have
treasured every sigh, every word, every sign, every glance.'
"I felt like a chill grip on my chest. 'Don't,' I said, in a muffled voice.
"
'Forgive me. I - I have mourned so long in silence - in silence.... You
were with him - to the last? I think of his loneliness. Nobody near to understand him as I would have understood. Perhaps no one to hear....'
" 'To the very end,' I said, shakily. 'I heard his very last words....' I stopped in a fright.
" 'Repeat them,' she murmured in a heartbroken tone. 'I want - I want - something - something - to - to live with.'
"I
was on the point of crying at her, 'Don't you hear them?' The dusk was
repeating them in a persistent whisper all around us, in a whisper that
seemed to swell menacingly like the first whisper of a rising wind.
'The horror! The horror!'
" 'His last word - to live with,' she insisted. 'Don't you understand I loved him - I loved him - I loved him!'
"I pulled myself together and spoke slowly.
" 'The last word he pronounced was - your name.'
"I
heard a light sigh and then my heart stood still, stopped dead short by
an exulting and terrible cry, by the cry of inconceivable triumph and
of unspeakable pain. 'I knew it - I was sure!' . . . She knew. She was
sure. I heard her weeping; she had hidden her face in her hands. It
seemed to me that the house would collapse before I could escape, that
the heavens would fall upon my head. But nothing happened. The heavens
do not fall for such a trifle. Would they have fallen, I wonder, if I
had rendered Kurtz that justice which was his due? Hadn't he said he
wanted only justice? But I couldn't. I could not tell her. It would
have been too dark too dark altogether...."
Marlow ceased, and sat apart, indistinct and silent, in the pose of a meditating Buddha.
Nobody moved for a time. "We have lost the first of the ebb," said the
Director suddenly. I raised my head. The offing was barred by a black
bank of clouds, and the tranquil waterway leading to the uttermost ends
of the earth flowed sombre under an overcast sky - seemed to lead into
the heart of an immense darkness.